


i hate the way you make me love you

by punkjerk



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Fluff and Angst, M/M, but mostly it's just a different timeline i think, endless pining, i guess you could say it happens a long while after civil war, my specialty apparently, so much that it hurts bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7598545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkjerk/pseuds/punkjerk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is in pain by how in love he is with his best friend. Thing is, they'd always promised, no matter what, that it would always be just the two of them, together. How they meant that was never explicitly said, but they felt it in a time when it was dangerous to say it explicitly. </p><p>Things are different now, and Steve seems to have adjusted to this new century, this new life, exceedingly well - and he seems to be doing it without Bucky.</p><p>Is Bucky just stuck in the past, or does the promise they made all of those years ago, the love they've always had, really mean what Bucky wants it to?</p>
            </blockquote>





	i hate the way you make me love you

**Author's Note:**

> i looked over this a lot so i'm so sorry for any mistakes and grammar errors, but i was getting sick of reading it, which is never a good thing to happen. and i got this idea from a text post that basically said imagine one half of your otp being completely fed up and just angry with how in love they are with the other person so. that's kind of what this is. hope you enjoy, and please please please give me feedback!! i always want to improve, and i do that best with feedback. thank you for reading!! x

It had been a long day. _A very, very long day_ , Bucky thought, sitting alone at the bar in the grand ballroom of the Avengers tower, where Tony was hosting yet another one of his extravagant parties. 

The room was a hazy red glow, like staring at the smoke in a fading bonfire. Bucky held a drink in his hand, even if he knew by now that liquor did nothing to him. He just learned to appreciate the burn of the alcohol as it went down his throat - a brief, but rewarding, distraction. He liked to imagine with each gulp he was burning away the bad feelings bubbling up through his gut. Like the ones he had now, watching Steve dance with someone else - someone that wasn’t him - on the dancefloor. 

Bucky was made into an assassin, and before that he was a sniper, so he instinctively knew a thing or two about being inconspicuous. But there was nothing inconspicuous about his feelings for the other super soldier in their group. Except, apparently, to Steve himself. 

‘You’re staring,’ Natasha’s voice sounded from behind him. ‘Again,’ she muttered, walking into Bucky’s view and seating herself at the barstool next to him. She was wearing a long black dress, and she looked good, but there was rarely a time that she didn’t.

Bucky didn’t grant her a response, opting instead to finish off his drink while motioning to the bartender to refill it. 

‘You know, I’m sure if you just _talked_ to him about what you’re feeling, he would listen. And who knows where it might lead you two then.’ Bucky ignored the wink she added at the end of her sentence, instead turning his gaze back to Steve’s bright, smiling face. He couldn’t help but be amused, at the very least - back before the war, it was typically Steve who sat where Bucky was now, watching _him_ dance the night away with some dame he didn’t plan on seeing again.

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, Nat.’ He said gruffly, eyes flickering between Steve and her, not sure who he wanted to pay attention to.

‘Aw, that’s cute, you think I, the best spy this world has ever seen, doesn’t notice the way you stare at him like you’re a dying man in a desert and he’s an oasis? Come on, Barnes, I thought we knew each other better than that.’ Nat grinned, fairly devilishly, in Bucky’s opinion. ‘C’mon, talk to me. I really am good with this stuff, you know.’ The sudden sincerity in her voice caught his attention and he considered her offer.

He downed the rest of his drink and then looked at Natasha from the corner of his eye. Then he glanced back at Steve, who was spinning a pretty girl around, and they were both laughing like they were the happiest people alive. He felt bile rising up in his throat - or at least he thought it was bile, but it could have just as easily been the burn of the alcohol.

‘Alright,’ Bucky said, looking back to Natasha. ‘But not here. There’s this 24 hour diner a couple blocks away, and they have damn good shakes, and I really want one.’

Natasha just laughed as she hooked an arm through Bucky’s and they left the party, making their way through the streets of Manhattan to this diner. Bucky greeted the waiter behind the counter by name, and they both ordered a milkshake. They sat down at one of the booths. 

‘So, how long has this _really_ been going on?’ Natasha inquired, beginning her interrogation of sorts.

‘Depends on what you consider ‘going on’?’ He responded, pointedly not looking at her.

‘How long you’ve liked him of course!’ She scoffed, as if it were obvious. Which, it was. But the truth was far more complicated than time could tell. With them, there had always been so much more than anyone could really pin down. There was before the war, and there was before the Winter Soldier, and now, there was after. And Bucky had liked - no, loved - Steve through all of those parts of their lives. 

But it had only started to burn through him recently. It was slow. First was the jealousy - the white hot flashes behind his eyes whenever Steve was with someone that wasn’t him. When he hugged them, or laughed with them, or brushed hands with them. Then it was the fear. It was sleepless nights after nightmares thinking about how he wasn’t worth anything to Steve anymore - the world didn’t revolve around them, for them, and to Bucky, that was the beginning of losing him. And losing him was the one thread in a piece of fabric that made the whole thing unwind. The fear was him losing his appetite when he thought about all the little ways Steve didn’t care about him anymore, and when he thought about all the little ways that Steve used to care about him. And there was the anger that he felt this fucking in love with Steve and oh _god_ how he wished he didn’t, how he wished he could stop this _fire_ , because it was scalding him.

But there was also the warmth that had come from the burn. The nights when neither of them could sleep, and all they did was talk and joke until the sky streaked pink and orange from the sunrise, and Bucky swore he didn’t stop smiling the whole time. There were the bursts of flame that erupted from the sparks when they brushed shoulders in the kitchen or hallways and the simplicity of Steve’s _touch_ dusted his cheeks with a light blush, and set his heart racing like it needed to win a marathon. 

But it still burned. Bucky just wasn’t sure he would dare trade that burn for anyone, or anything, else.

He thought about when that burn had started though, nearly three months ago. It had actually begun with Natasha. Not many people would assume from the Russian spy’s hard eyes and harder past, but she happens to be a very touchy-feely person once she’s comfortable around someone. This _touchy-feely-ness_ included everything from spontaneous hand-holding to sitting down on people’s laps as they did nearly anything.

Bucky remembered that night, remembered how everything seemed slightly off-kilter to him after it. Steve and Bucky were watching a movie on the TV in the common room, something they both hadn’t seen yet. They were asking each other questions and trying to figure out the references within references, but were getting no answers. That was okay though - they were used to it by now, and Bucky thought they both just enjoyed the company.

‘Mind if I watch too?’ Natasha’s voice came from behind them. They both shook their heads no and she nearly skipped around the couch and sat herself down on Steve’s legs. He exchanged a look with Bucky, but Bucky couldn’t really figure out if it was in apology or amusement. Either way, he didn’t move, and turned his attention back to the movie. But Bucky was suddenly encased in a glass box, staring out at a world that continued on without him.

He felt something erupt from the bottom of his stomach. If he’d been listening more closely, he probably could’ve heard the spark that started this current fire inside of him. Instead he grudgingly turned his focus back on the TV - but he wasn’t paying attention to the movie anymore. He was watching from the corner of his eye the way one of Steve’s hands rested on the top of Natasha’s knee, and he listened to the way she animatedly responded to all of Steve’s questions about the movie, no sign of impatience or annoyance in her voice.

And he sat like this until the movie was done, watching the two of them from his peripheral vision, not asking any more questions, and trying to sedate the seething jealousy that was working on ripping a hole through him. Natasha eventually left, and Steve went to attempt sleep, but Bucky just couldn’t bring himself to move; he had never felt such a burning jealousy for someone that he couldn’t officially call his. And he couldn’t tell if the feelings fluttering in his ribcage were fear or love. And he was wondering if there would ever be a time he could tell the difference again.

‘Hello?’ He snapped back into the present. Natasha had been calling him gently, so as not to catch the attention of the waiter who was cleaning tables on the other side of the room. They were the only customers in there. He looked down at his milkshake in front of him and wondered when it had gotten there. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered, blaming himself for zoning out like that in the middle of a conversation.

‘No biggie.’ she shrugged, taking a sip of her milkshake. ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah, yeah, just thinking, sorry. What did you ask again?’ He wrapped his fingers around the cool glass of the shake, grounding himself back to the moment.

‘When did you start liking Steve?’

‘About three months ago,’ he said through his teeth, like he was giving up a piece of himself. But he wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want anyone to know, or because he didn’t want anyone to see this piece of the story. If he had blinked, he would have missed the look Natasha gave him - she knew it wasn’t the full truth, but she had more than enough common sense not to intrude on Bucky like this. 

‘Oh, so like the night we watched a movie in the common room and I sat on Steve’s lap and you couldn’t stop watching us?’ Bucky’s eyes snapped up from his milkshake to meet her smirk.

‘You little shit,’ he uttered, but there was a hint of admiration in it. He should’ve known - Natasha was good at whatever she did, and she had a fascination with match-making.

‘What? I knew it, I just needed the proof with my own eyes. And boy, do you got it bad. I could practically _feel_ the jealousy radiating off of you, Barnes!’

Bucky just sat back against the back of the booth and stared at the picture hung on the wall next to them.

‘Yeah well, there it is.’ 

‘Ah, don’t sound so defeated, James. There’s still hope for you yet!’ Nat said, and Bucky’s heart softened just a little at the use of his given name. She was the only one who still called him that - and only when she was trying to make him comfortable.

‘I’ve been trying to set Steve up with people for years, you know?’ She continued when Bucky didn’t respond. ‘He hasn’t accepted any of my suggestions, but I see now that I’ve just been pushing him towards the wrong people… or, person, in this specific case.’

Bucky looked at her and was met with a childish gleam on her face. Not immature, just playful.

‘Don’t you dare, Nat. I don’t need you meddling in _my_ love life, too,’ Bucky scoffed, taking a large sip of his milkshake.

‘Oh come on, it’ll be fun! And, it’ll probably work. I’m good, I am _very_ good.’ She spoke around her straw.

‘ _No_ , Nat. I got this, I promise. I mean, it’s _him_. It’s always been _us_. I don’t see that changing - even after all we’ve been through, I think it’s still us.’

Natasha just smiled into her shake, loudly sucking up the little bit left in it. 

‘Well, alright then. I want you to know you can always talk to me, James. No matter what, no matter how silly, I’m here for you. I am also very, very good at keeping secrets. So I won’t tell Steve until you’re ready to.’

‘Thank you, Natasha,’ Bucky smiled at her sincerely, finishing up his shake too.

‘Anytime, Bucky. Now let’s go home, soldier, I wanna sleep.’

So they each placed a five dollar bill on the table and walked home in the chilly night, Bucky comforted by the fact that he had someone else he could trust, and relieved that he had let loose at least _some_ of those bottled up feelings. He wasn’t sure what his next steps would be, but he didn’t want to think about that right now.

They made their way to the elevator and waited in silence until Natasha reached her floor. 

‘You can come to me for anything, Bucky, I mean it.’ She hugged him briefly before giving a corny salute and exiting the elevator.

He saluted back as the elevator doors closed between them.

When he reached his floor, he barely removed his belt and tie before collapsing onto his bed, succumbing to another restless night.

\--------------------------------------

Bucky woke up with a jolt, but he was grateful to find that he wasn’t screaming. In fact, there was no thin layer of sweat coating his body, and he could remember nothing of his sleep but darkness. He looked over at his clock beaming back 4:51 at him. He’d slept for at least four hours with no nightmares, and concluded that his waking up was due to a messed up sleep schedule, not a dream he couldn’t recall.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and moved to stand up from the bed. As he did, he noticed that he was still wearing his suit from Tony’s party last night, and grumbled as he changed out of it, stripping as he walked to his bathroom to change. It was nearly five o’clock, he might as well get up for the day. 

After showering, he changed into workout clothing - might as well get a head start on training, since he didn’t have much else to do. He made his way down to the kitchen to grab a water bottle before heading to the gym.

When he walked out of the elevator he was struck still by the sight of Steve in a tight workout shirt, stretching just enough that he revealed a little strip of nicely toned stomach to Bucky, who was furiously trying to hold his flush down.

Steve looked up and Bucky quickly averted his eyes, making his way around his friend and into the kitchen to get his water.

‘Mornin’, Bucky. What are you doing up?’ Steve said, following him over to the kitchen.

‘Couldn’t get back to sleep, so I figured I’d start my day a little earlier than normal.’ Bucky responded from inside the refrigerator thinking maybe the cold would calm down his flushed cheeks.

‘Sounds good. Well, I was just about to head out for a run, do you wanna join me? It’s always nice to have someone who can actually keep up.’ Steve joked and Bucky emerged from the fridge, water bottle in hand.

‘Really? What happened to the bird-man?’ Bucky inquired, twisting the cap off his bottle.

‘Hungover, I presume. He’d be up by now if he wasn’t.’ Steve said, a small smile playing on his face. ‘So, what do you say? You look like you were going to be training anyway.’

‘Yeah, why not?’ Bucky returned his smile. It’d been awhile since they’d gone running together, their sleep schedules never seemed to overlap just right. Even though they both had nightmares and spent those early morning hours together more often than not, Steve usually went straight into his day, and Bucky went back to bed to try and get more sleep.

So Bucky stretched a bit and then they ran, Steve letting Bucky lead their route.

They talked as they ran, catching up on little things and punching each other when they saw a Volkswagen. Bucky was enjoying this time with his best friend - it gave him a bit of nostalgia, which was odd, because he was fairly certain they’d never done this much exercising before the war. But maybe it was just the closeness and playfulness of it all; it was nice to feel normal. 

‘So what did you think of the party last night?’ Steve asked as they entered Central Park, and Bucky nearly tripped over his own two feet. Nearly.

‘Um, it was fine, I guess? Just a party, you know how they are,’ Bucky tried to laugh it off, vividly remembering his conversation with Natasha at the diner.

‘Really? ‘Cause I noticed you and Nat left early.’

_Shit._

‘Is there something going on between you guys?’

If Bucky had water in his mouth he would’ve done a spit take. Instead he stopped running and burst into laughter, which caused Steve to give him a concerned look.

‘What’s so funny?’ he asked.

‘You… you think…’ Bucky said between bursts of laughter. ‘ _Nat and me_? Oh man, Stevie, that’s good.’ he wiped an imaginary tear from the corner of his eye.

Steve looked flustered now. ‘It was a legitimate question!’ He huffed.

‘Yeah, I know, I’m sorry Stevie. It’s just - we used to be, I think, from what I remember. But no, not now. Besides, I think she’s got a thing going on with Barton.’ Bucky started running again, Steve following.

‘Yeah, I can see that. But where did you two go then? And why?’

‘That 24-hour diner a couple of blocks away, ‘cause we were both bored with the party and I really wanted a milkshake. I mean, come on. How many of those can Tony force us to go to before they get exceedingly dull? Also that diner makes some damn good milkshakes.’ 

Bucky shot a glance over at Steve, who was looking back at him unconvincingly. 

‘There’s something else, isn’t there? There’s a different reason that you left the party right?’ Steve inquired and images of Steve twirling that pretty girl on the dancefloor flashed through his mind. He involuntarily clenched his jaw at the memory. He took a deep breath.

‘Nothing you need to worry about, Steve.’

Steve still wasn’t convinced though.

‘Are you sure, Bucky? Because you’ve been acting kind of -’

Bucky stopped in his tracks. 

‘Kind of _what_ , Steve?’ He could taste the venom in his words as he spit them out and immediately wished he could undo it. He knew his anger was misplaced; Steve didn’t even know why he was acting this way, but Bucky couldn’t just tell him.

Steve looked taken aback for a moment before he became defensive.

‘Kind of terrible, actually.’ He shot back, and the scowl on Bucky’s face deepened.

‘Well if I’m so terrible, you can finish your run by yourself.’ Bucky said it like a challenge, but Steve either didn’t seem to catch it or didn’t give a damn and just nodded in affirmation before turning from Bucky to continue his run.

Bucky watched him till he was out of sight and kicked the ground in annoyance. He couldn’t believe he was such an idiot. Well, he _could_ believe it, he just didn’t like to admit it. He took one more deep breath before turning around and heading back towards the tower, feeling deflated.

\---------------------------

Bucky had managed to avoid Steve for a week, feeling worse and worse every time he saw his friend laughing with the other Avengers and generally looking very unaffected by Bucky’s absence. He’d even caught word from Natasha that he’d gone out on a date with the girl from the party, and Bucky was certain he was going to puke.

He spent most of his time training, straying from his usual schedule since he usually trained with Steve. He spent the other part of his time locked in his room, berating himself for acting the way he had. He was furious with himself - not only for treating Steve the way he did, but for letting himself keep falling in love with his best friend. It was fucking ridiculous, how in love he was with Steve. He couldn’t stop seeing all the reasons he loved him every time he so much as thought about him.

 _I mean, what type of fucking cliche?_ He criticised himself, letting out a bitter laugh at the thought.

He allowed himself time to get really angry - he even punched a hole nearly straight through the wall in his room after he found out Steve had gone on another date with someone that wasn’t him. Because he was so fucking _stupid_ to believe that the love that they’d once shared could transcend all this time; that it would always be _them_. Steve had assured him many times that it would always be just them - but it was never in the way that Bucky wanted, or dreamed of. The irony was a bitch, really; all those years of being in love, and finally they _could_ be together without life-or-death repercussions because of who they are, and one of them decides they’re not in love anymore. Bucky had learned over time that love was a choice - which he thought would make falling out of love with Steve a lot easier, but it hadn’t. Maybe he’d just chosen Steve for so long, he forgot how to choose anyone else. And frankly, he hadn’t had much choice in anything during the last seventy years.

So for a few days, he let himself get angry - at himself, at the world, at his fucking life, because it all deserved it. But after the anger subsided, he was just left with a heavy weight on his chest and an all-encompassing sadness.

He was losing his best friend, and that was all his fault.

\--------------------------

It had been a long week - the longest week that Bucky could recall having in his life. After seven days of training and avoiding Steve and moping around, Bucky was tired. He was always tired, but this was a different kind of tired - the one that sits just behind your lungs and makes it hard to breathe when you think about what’s causing this exhaustion. It’s the kind that aches and moves to fold over your heart because it’s attempting to shield you from a feeling you just can’t stand anymore.

Bucky never slept well. It was a fact he had grown accustomed to. Steve typically didn’t sleep too well either, and sometimes they drifted to each other in the early morning hours to watch a movie or train and distract themselves from the reasons they hadn’t slept well.

But since their little spat, Bucky didn’t leave his room when he woke up at 2am and couldn’t get back to sleep. It was painful, being alone after nightmares, but it was certainly not his first time dealing with them on his own, so he accustomed quickly, albeit sadly.

On the seventh night of his week of avoiding Steve, he’d had enough. He’d woken up in a cold sweat after only two hours of sleep, and the worst part was that his nightmare he’d had was nearly a reality. The bottomline was the same: Steve was gone, and it had been his fault.

He tore the covers off of his body and dragged himself off of the bed. He rubbed his eyes as he walked down the hallway and made his way down to the common room so he could watch TV. He could have stayed in his room but really, he needed a change of scenery.

When he arrived, he saw the TV was already on, and someone was sitting on the couch. Bucky wasn’t too surprised - lots of the Avengers had sleeping problems, and lots of them coped the same way he did. So he shuffled himself over, clad in his pajamas and took a seat at the other edge of the couch from the person who was sat there. They didn’t say anything, and Bucky was too tired to think anything of it - until he felt their gaze on him.

He looked over at them and then looked away.

‘Oh, hey -’ He did a double take, and Steve cocked an eyebrow at him.

‘- Steve.’ Bucky practically croaked - the name hurt him to say, and he’d stopped believing he deserved the person it belonged to. Bucky was frozen - there were so many things he wanted to say, but none of the words felt right in his mouth. He just sat there, staring back with wide eyes.

‘Hi, Bucky,’ Steve said, gaze unwavering and starting to unsettle Bucky just a bit. 

Bucky was fully awake now, but words seemed to be failing him.

‘I - I-’ he stuttered, unsure of what he even wanted to say. He took a breath in an attempt to calm his nerves. ‘Do- do you want me to leave?’

Bucky watched as Steve’s gaze softened.

‘No, you can stay.’ He said it so softly Bucky had to wonder if he really said it at all. Then Steve broke his stare by turning back to the TV. Bucky was left frozen though, admiring the way the flickering colours of the movie Steve was watching illuminated his friend’s face, catching shadows in all the right places. Steve had always been beautiful to Bucky, and Bucky briefly wondered if the beauty had something to do with Steve being so unattainable, unreachable. He knew it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t help feeling that the more out of reach he seemed, the more beautiful he was.

Eventually Bucky averted his eyes and watched the movie with Steve tensely. Bucky noted the tension between them, but Steve seemed completely at ease - which was perfectly fitting for their past week. Neither of them said a thing the whole time, save for Steve’s occasional chuckle at some dumb one-liner in the film. Bucky wasn’t really watching the movie, so much as realising his window for apologising and _fixing_ this godawful mess he’d started was closing with every minute. 

When the credits began rolling, Steve moved to get the remote from the coffee table in front of them.

 _Now or never, now or never, now or never,_ Bucky repeated to himself as Steve turned off the TV and made to leave the room. He took another breath.

‘Steve, wait. Please,’ Bucky said to Steve’s back. Steve paused and turned around on his heels, looking slightly confused. He said nothing, so Bucky continued. ‘Can we talk? Like, can you sit down and can we talk, please?’

Steve nodded slowly and sat back down on the other side of the couch from Bucky.

‘Go on,’ Steve said simply.

‘I’m sorry,’ Bucky began. ‘I’m sorry for acting like such a jerk on our run last week. I really miss you and I don’t want to lose you over something like this. You’re the best thing in my life and I need you and I’m so sorry.’

Bucky analysed Steve’s furrowed eyebrows and the distant look in his eyes. He was pensive, choosing his words with careful consideration. Bucky chewed on his bottom lip in anxious waiting.

‘Okay, I accept your apology,’ Steve said after what felt like way too long for Bucky. Bucky sighed in relief and lowered his eyes to his lap.

‘I’m not done though,’ Steve continued and Bucky looked up at him, cocking his head in confusion. ‘Can I ask you something?’

Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat and managed a nod, his heart rate increasing.

‘Why did you act like that? Because I know for certain there was something bigger going on - you don’t usually use that type of tone with anyone, so there must be something else going on.’ Steve said, and the sincerity in his voice made Bucky’s heart melt, which diminished the option of telling Steve a lie - he would see right through it.

‘I - I can’t,’ Bucky stumbled over his words. ‘I can’t tell you that. It’s something I just - can’t. Some days are just worse than others, I guess.’

Steve seemed to mull this over for awhile. They’d been reunited for nearly two years now, and Steve had come to learn that if Bucky wasn’t ready to talk about something, then that was that, and he’d wait until Bucky was ready.

‘Can I ask you another thing then?’ Steve asked.

Bucky looked apprehensive, but nodded nonetheless.

‘Did you really think that we’d lose everything we have over a couple of silly comments? What’s going through your mind, Buck?’

Bucky was ready to burst into tears, as he felt every time someone showed genuine care and compassion towards him. He traced his human hand over his metal one, watching it dip into the divots and lines of the metalwork as he answered. 

‘I guess - I don’t know. I’m used to just fucking things up, and after all this time, I suppose I forgot that good things can be permanent. Abandonment fears is probably what my therapist would say,’ Bucky laughed humourlessly. 

When Bucky looked back up again, Steve had shuffled much closer to him, and Bucky leaned back slightly as they made eye contact. 

‘Well, I don’t plan on going anywhere without you ever again. You won’t lose me.’ Steve leaned in close to Bucky, their noses nearly touching. Bucky stopped breathing.

Steve let out a small chuckle. ‘It’s okay to breathe, Buck.’ He whispered with a small smile playing on his lips. Steve’s blue eyes were flickering brightly in the orange dim of the lamps’ light.

‘I - I’m, uh -’ Bucky couldn’t form coherent thoughts in the proximity. He was too acutely aware of the scent of Steve’s aftershave engulfing him, and how Steve’s left hand was lingering over his right one, touch featherlight over the valley of his palm. His eyes darted down to Steve’s lips, full and red and so goddamn enticing. If Bucky knew that his feelings towards his best friend were reciprocated, there would have been nothing stopping him from closing that gap between them. 

He was drawn back into focus by Steve’s voice, as he usually was. 

‘Natasha told me something about you, y’know,’ Steve’s words came out slow, easy, a bit of his Brooklyn accent seeping in and Bucky thought he could never be more in love than he was at this moment. But then he registered the words and pulled out of the trance hovering in the air between them.

‘She _what!?_ ’ Bucky exclaimed. He wouldn’t have thought anything of it if it weren’t for Steve’s actions currently. _What kind of sick game was Steve playing with him? Surely, he wouldn’t do something that cruel to his_ best friend, Bucky thought, mind reeling so hard it gave him the beginnings of a headache.

‘No, no, don’t pull away Bucky, it’s okay,’ 

Steve tried to soothe him but Bucky’s thoughts were racing a mile a minute. He couldn’t believe it. He had trusted her so intently - he’d shown her one of his safe havens. And she did _this_? It was so uncharacteristic.

He wanted to get out of Steve’s emotional hold, and made to move, but Steve placed one hand on his arm, the other coming up to cup his face slowly, so as not to alarm. Steve’s touch felt as though he was holding the whole world in his hand, and one sudden movement would shatter the whole thing. Bucky locked his eyes on Steve’s, the ocean and the sky meeting somewhere in the middle, storms hanging on the outskirts of both.

‘Please, don’t go. It’s not her fault. I begged her to tell me where you two had gone at Tony’s party and why. She just gave me the basics. She didn’t tell me what you two spoke about, but it was pretty heavily implied. She was only trying to help me. She let me figure it out on my own, and she didn’t even nod when I asked if I was right. I just - I just needed to know.’ Steve breathed, and it was no longer the cool and collected Steve from their earlier conversation. This Steve was letting out raggedy, desperate breaths, trying to hold on to what they had right here. Steve never hid his feelings unless he needed to - and right now, he was an open book.

‘Needed to know what, Stevie? Why was spilling my secret helping _you_?’ The words croaked out of Bucky’s mouth, raw and hard and scraping the inside of his throat. He was glad to be rid of them. He had put together the answer to his last question, but something just wasn’t connecting - he refused to believe it, after all he’d seen and heard this past week. Steve drew tiny circles onto Bucky’s cheek with his thumb, and Bucky brought one tender hand up to cover Steve’s. His gaze was frozen.

‘That after all of this time, it’s always been us. That you love me, the way I love you. It always will be us, no matter what. So I know, Bucky, and I know why you couldn’t tell me before, because I was too scared until now too, but it’s okay, and we’ll be okay. You and me against the world, forever and always.’ 

‘Always and forever,’ Bucky said without a second thought, the words flowing out of him on instinct.

Steve smiled the smile that he reserved only for Bucky - crinkled eyes and a smile so soft and beautiful and bright it would set cities alight for days.

‘I have a question to ask you,’ Bucky muttered and Steve looked puzzled.

‘Anything,’ Steve gently squeezed Bucky’s hand.

‘May I kiss you?’

The words had barely left Bucky’s lips when Steve moved forward and connected their lips, and the storm broke. Bucky could feel the rain from their storms pouring down on them both, drenching them as they smiled and giggled into the kiss. The world was weeping in joy for the two of them - it had only taken them eighty-five years to get to this point, and it was beautiful, sweet, and so much better than either of them could have ever dreamed of. Bucky felt the connection finally click together in his mind, and he couldn’t stop grinning. He ran his fingers up Steve’s back and through to the ends of his hair, swallowing the little moan Steve let slip as he nibbled on his bottom lip before sucking it back into his mouth again. This was happening, and it was so wonderfully _real_.

Bucky pulled away after what felt like another century, but it still wasn’t enough. He couldn’t stop grinning, admiring the way Steve’s face was flushed, lips even redder than usual and swollen and so goddamn _beautiful_ ; Bucky never wanted to stop looking.

‘So _this_ is what all those girls from before the war felt like when you kissed them,’ Steve huffed, breathing incredibly heavy. Bucky just laughed.

‘They were nothing compared to you, Stevie. No one will ever compare to you.’ Bucky smiled, as he couldn’t seem to stop doing now, and Steve leaned down to steal another few kisses.

‘Speaking of girls,’ Bucky said in between kisses, and Steve pulled away in confusion. ‘I hope you didn’t plan another date with that girl you saw this week.’

Steve just laughed. ‘Don’t worry, Buck. I knew she wasn’t my type.’ He winked before leaning back in once again.

‘This means you’re officially mine now, right?’ Bucky asked, slight apprehension lacing his voice.

Steve grinned. ‘Forever and always.’

Bucky grinned back. ‘Always and forever.’

So they made their way back to Bucky’s room as their exhaustion was finally catching up to them; and for the first time since they’d both been reborn in this century they slept a full ten hours, wrapped up in each other’s arms, making sleepy whispered promises that this is where they would always belong in the form of hushed _I’ll always love you_ ’s. Their skies were cerulean blue, not a cloud of darkness in sight, and there was nothing - nothing - that would take them away from one another - not this time around - not ever again.


End file.
